Welcome And Why Confidence Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We talk about all the time confidence with our dogs. And I think ultimately, if we're not feeling confident, then we probably can't give confidence to others because we're trying to fill from an empty cup. Welcome to the Absolute Dog Sex in a Squirrel podcast. I'm Lauren Langman. I'm one of the world's leading dog trainers, and it's my mission to help owners become their dog's top priority. In each episode, you'll discover how to gain trust and communicate with your dog like never before, creating unbreakable bonds that make you the most exciting part of their world. Confidence, like a muscle, right? Like a muscle. Sometimes life tests us, right, Justin, because both you and I are pretty confident people, I would say. And yet we've both had pretty life-changing or big events happen to us that or for us that have changed the trajectory of where we are, or maybe rocked our confidence a little or a lot, right? Confidence is a big deal.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

I think confidence

From External Praise To Inner Drive

SPEAKER_00 1:10

is everything, especially for someone that's out there and wanting to make something of themselves. Confidence is something that I think in this process here, I'll just be completely transparent. Prior to this these events of the last few months, I was very extrinsically motivated, which meant that I wanted people, I got validation from other people. And looking back, this process you had mentioned a second ago, you know, has happened for me and happened for you. What I've learned is that I'm very much more intrinsically motivated, which has given me much more confidence. So I'm actually able to do a lot more than I was before. Where a good example would be I started up a new Substack, which I actually have not shared with you, which I will uh after this. But anyways, it's a blog that I do twice a week and it's talking about my situation, what I'm doing, what I'm going through, but it's meant to be really funny, but actual and very revealing, but something that everyone can relate to and just a breath of fresh air that you're not alone out there. And I would not have had the confidence before, because I'm very self-critical, to do that kind of stuff. And I think that, you know, confidence is not something that is necessarily you're born with. Some people feel that way, but it's it's something you cultivate over time. And how you do that, it's going to be different for each person. But one of the things I urge people to think about is look internally for confidence, not externally, for that validation. And I think that's where, you know, especially when you and I both got rocked through the situations that we went through, having that confidence shattered is really terrifying. I mean, it it for me, it was the first time I even had anxiety in my entire life. And it really rocked me to my core. And it took a lot to get that back. And I think if I had more internal confidence where I was more knowing who I was and what I was out for, and that, you know, I didn't feel so threatened by everything, I think I would have gotten through it a lot faster and a lot cleaner. And it took a lot of pain and a lot of effort to get out of that hole. And there were many days I didn't want to, right? There are many weeks I didn't want to. And constantly moving forward and getting

Support Systems When Confidence Breaks

SPEAKER_00 3:10

out of that was huge. And I think part of confidence, though, is kind of what we talked about in another podcast. And it's about community a little bit, is you want to have people that support you along the way as well. And Lauren was a huge person in my life for that. And I know that I helped her through many things in hers. And so I think that we talk about confidence, it's inwards and outwards, but make sure you're relying on those people that support you as much as possible when you're down in those moments to not criticize you, but to help build you back up. What are your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Massive. I think that you went into your situation, a divorce, in quite a confident place and yet it still rocked your world and not in the right way initially. And I think you were confident coming in to it. Whereas I think a lot of people might not even be confident coming into a situation like that. So your confidence is is is I would say you're you're a pretty confident, extroverted type like myself. So I went into again my my my sort of difficult like three years really in a really confident place, and yet it can still make you feel like rock bottom and it can still have repercussions years later. And sometimes you have no control over that scenario. So you have absolutely no control over that scenario. And we talk about all the time confidence with our dogs. And I think ultimately, if we're not feeling confident, then we probably can't give confidence to others because we're trying to fill from an empty cup. And if you're trying to fill from an empty cup, then as you know, it's it's going to get into an overdrawn situation quite quickly.

Practical Ways To Train Confidence

SPEAKER_01 4:42

So for me, there's lots of things we can do for our confidence. Number one would be actually identify and address and be open and be aware of it. There's lots of things we can do. I think we should just talk through some of the things that we do to help us feel more confident or be more confident or practice the flex of using our confidence muscle effectively, because I think that's something that in Games Club, for those of you listening, Games Club right now, there's a one-pound trial, it's mega. Jump in, get into Games Club if you're not already. But in Games Club, we talk all the time about getting dogs to be more confident and helping dogs to be more confident, playing certain games to be more confident. But actually, we don't always think about ourselves. What do you do to help grow confidence? And I'm going to think about what I do to help grow confidence because there are lots of things we do, and we connect on a few of them, but there are lots of things we do to help with confidence. What do you suggest or start with or think about even for yourself, Justin? Because this is a co it's a crazy question. It's not something we've sat and planned or mapped out. This is just us like talking through and thinking about what do you do?

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Yeah, I think this is this is organic and real. One of the things that I do that I think is really for me really, really helpful is that every day I track a couple wins for me. And so a good example would be like today, I've got four major tasks on my list. And on that, at the end of the day, I reflect back. And I may not get to all four to be honest with you, but I want to make sure I get to one or two and know that I had a win that day. And that helps build that confidence in me because if I go through every day just going through the motions, I have nothing to reflect back on, right? It's one of those things that days go by like this, weeks go by like that, months go by like this, and I will miss key opportunities of things that I did to win. And what spawned this was a few weeks ago, I was feeling down and I was actually talking to a friend of mine that I've known for a very, very long time. And he he had basically started rattling off because I was like, man, I just, I'm just not there. He's like, Do you realize what you've done just today? Like you got up at 4 30 and it's 10 30 now and you've done. And I was like, oh, wow. Okay. And so, anyways, I started doing that, and it's made a huge difference for me because what it does is it gives me that traction, and I hope it does the same thing for you, where you can look back and say, I did this today. Yes, I accomplished something, and you have something to launch from. Because what I found is that confidence grows, it's like a snowball going downhill. If you've got a little win, then it another win and another win. They all compile together to start building that base of confidence. Because as Lauren said a second ago, we both went into these traumatic events very confident. But if you're at a place right where you're not confident, starting with a small win is a great way to build up that confidence. What are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 7:23

Like massive,

Gratitude And Emptying Your Bucket

SPEAKER_01 7:24

massive. And I was thinking, like I said, going back to confidence as a muscle and stretching confidence, and probably similar to looking back on wins of the day, I think things like a gratitude journal, again, so brilliant for confidence, just the acknowledgement of practicing the art of gratitude, because even in the worst scenarios, there are things to be grateful for. So even in some of the saddest scenarios, and I've had some really sad scenarios. I mean, watching my dad die of cancer and in his 60s, sort of really like realization that he wasn't going to make old bones, like they're they're hard. And yet, still finding gratitude in those moments, finding gratitude that he could die at home, finding gratitude that he had his family around him, finding gratitude that he could see some sunshine some days, finding gratitude that he was comfortable. Like there were so many things to be grateful for, even though the scenario sucked and could shatter you to your core to observe it and to watch it and to realize that those are things that that happen when you're not really aware of it, if you haven't really acknowledged it. And as you know, I'm already pretty aware of like I'm pretty scared of like death and things like that. So for me, that was a really big like deal to sort of experience. I suppose the other thing for me for confidence is giving yourself opportunities to bucket empty or to allow yourself to be your most confident because you're also not feeling full bucket in any direction. Because the more that you can empty your own bucket, and some people like we've got a good friend, his bucket emptying might be catch up with other people at the bar and have a good catch up together. For you and me, bucket emptying might be exercise. So actually, I loved being out with you in a few weeks ago and just heading at 6 a.m. You would you would pop to the hotel, you're sat by the fire for five minutes, even before I got out there, because you're always early and I'm always late. And let's just acknowledge that. And and so you'd be sat there by the fire and I would be coming out, and it would be like we're walking at 10 to 6 and it's warm and it's just just such a lovely thing. But that was bucket emptying, but that also then in turn boosts confidence. Because for me, probably the exercise element, and if we think about dogs playing games for confidence, and again, that's in games club. For those of you that are not part of games club, get in there. It's a great place to be. But yeah, confidence for me and the exercise again boosts confidence, boosts serotonin, boosts good feeling in your body, boosts you feeling great about life. Like it's massive, it's such a big deal.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

Absolutely.

Diet, Exercise And Power Poses

SPEAKER_00 9:46

And I think you know, there's two of the things that I think are really critical that we haven't hit on yet that are more physical related. So I think one is your diet, right? Building confidence, and it seems like, wow, in the heck does that relate to you? Well, it's the same thing with your dog, right? If your dog is not being having a nutritious diet, you know they're gonna be a little bit more lethargic, they're probably not gonna be as confident, they're not gonna be as playful. Diet's really important for them, and it's the same thing for you. So make sure you're nourishing your body because what that does is that sets you up for success, which then can lead to these great moments and powerful moments, okay? To start building that confidence. The second thing is doing a power pose. Like one of the things that I did years ago, I took a power pose class. I know there's such a thing, but a friend of mine started teaching it. His name is Doug. It was one of the most fun things I ever did. He charted out all these different things you can do to get there. And so what I would say is stand in front of a mirror, and this is not about like body positivity. I hope you're you love your body, but not everyone does. Okay. I want you to stand in front of the mirror and find a pose that makes you feel confident. A lot of people put their hands on their, you know, waist and they kind of thrust their chest out.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

I just have to ask, when you're standing in front of the mirror, are you naked?

SPEAKER_00 10:57

I'm not gonna judge. You can always be naked, okay? And I'm not gonna lie, maybe a couple times I've done it naked. I'm not gonna confirm nor deny. But yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

You just have to ask that question when you were doing your pose.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

It doesn't hurt. You're not filming it, so why not? Okay. But you want to be confident and like this, have fun with it. Don't take it seriously. Like, don't look in the mirror and go, my hair's not done today. Like, just shut up. Go for it. Have fun. Build your confidence up organically through diet and doing something that makes you feel good too. Because, like, you know, Lauren mentioned second go-but exercise, and that is my go-to. That's definitely hers. It makes you feel good. It releases those endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, all those different things. Same thing with these poses and eating well. Like, if you ever had, like before we got on here, she was taught she had two different things in her refrigerator that looked amazing to me. One was brownies, and one was this date, peanut butter date thing that she had. Okay. Amazing. I will tell you right now, that is confidence building. Because if you feel that, you get that little sugar rush, you feel a little bit better. You feel like you can take on the world. So I know it. These are very simple things, but very practical.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Both are healthy, right? Like both were really healthy. So the dates, um, again, really healthy, and the brownies were raw. So they're raw, vegan,

Pattern Interrupts Plus Celebration Replays

SPEAKER_01 12:14

brownie. So just to pull out, a pull of pull out a few points from what we just said there, um, a couple of things, again, that boost confidence, laughter, and fun. So trying to have a bit of fun with it, even in like sad scenarios or difficult scenarios, see if there is a light-hearted element or see if there's something that can be pulled out that it that is fun or a little bit more fun or a little bit more light-hearted, because like let's not carry the world on our shoulders and and and carry the weight on our shoulders. The other one for me I thought was really useful is sometimes pattern interrupting myself when I'm doing like a woe is me or a vulnerable space, or just interrupting myself and being aware of interrupting myself when I get into that spiral. And I think that's really important for confidence. It's the same for dogs. We would use something called DMT, or we would use something called A to B. We would bring them out of the scenario. Again, it's in the games club. If you haven't checked out the games club, go and get it. But for me, the pattern interrupt is important because then that in turn helps your confidence rather than allowing yourself to go down a spiral. And I think that's really important that we can sort of interrupt those things. Last one that was going to add before I jump back to you again, Justin, was for confidence, I don't think we celebrate enough. And so I've had some really good points and highs in my life, and actually I haven't celebrated them enough. So I think for confidence, celebration and the art of celebration and replays and replaying those moments can be really impactful. So for me, massive, like really, really massive, like really important that we that we replay and we replay and we go over and we replay a bit more, and we celebrate. So we work out how to celebrate. I remember I won a big event, I won Crufts, and I won two big events at Crufts, and we went out for a meal with friends, and we had some champagne, and we had some celebration cards, and we had a few just lovely toast moments, and and that really anchored it for me. So I think celebration as well, Justin, I think is something for confidence because life is not all like a sort of not everything is good in life, and so actually that allowed it to be better almost somehow, and yet it didn't it didn't then take away from in the bad moments. You can re-y can re-like wind and go to the celebrations and you can remember those, and those become like really lovely imprinted memories. So, so yeah, have them, and then you often have them again because you've replayed them.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Absolutely, and those are those things you can go back to, right? When you're not feeling as confident. So I think those are beautiful.

Music, Eye Contact And Connection

SPEAKER_00 14:37

One more that I would add here is like songs and music, right? Everyone has some song out there that you love. Okay. I'm gonna tell you right now, if you meet someone who doesn't like music, be wary.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

All right, that that someone just be a little be very wary.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

That's a little scary. But you know, find that song that gives you that energy. It could be anything. I don't care what it is. You put your headphones on and you feel invincible, that's how you get that confidence back. And then go to something, right? You go to any conference or you go to major events or even a concert. Most of those people that are getting up there have listened to something and prepped themselves in some way with music to get them in that zone. And then the final thing I would offer here is make eye contact with someone, okay? Whether it's your dog or someone else. It's so weird because especially if you're an introvert and you make contact with someone for the first time, you kind of get that jolt of like, they see me, uh-oh. And it can be a scary feeling, but also an invigorating feeling. And so uh just, you know, it anxiety is the exact same thing as happiness, just it's the way your body interprets it. And so think about that for a second and decide if you're gonna interpret it, you know, in the way that you want to, and give yourself that confidence to make that eye contact and then give a smile or engage in some way that's very organic and very real and share that moment. And I can't begin to tell you how powerful it is. You can be in the worst mood ever, and it's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

It's gorgeous. I've got a few last points, and they all relate to what you've just said and and more. So a few last points. One is kind of related to what you said on exercise movement. So even if you can't exercise exercise, move. So movement is really, really powerful, a little or big, just move. So even if it's just your arms, like even if it's just your arms, like move what you can move, I think is really key. One of my bucket emptying things is walking. I love to walk, and I know that when you are here, you love to walk, and I find that really impactful. And it's funny when I was really stretched or stressed a few years back and you were here, I didn't want to walk. And I think that was like where you almost internalize everything, and actually going for a walk is a really good way of decompressing and then helps in turn to build confidence because you don't get yourself into that worked up space. So for me, the walking is really, really powerful. Who you hang out with, it matters, it really matters. So don't hang out with people who don't make you feel confident about yourself. If someone else puts you down, I'm like, yo, Justin, you're amazing, you're a great person in my life. I love having you in my presence. I love having like me in your presence. I love that whole relationship. You want to hang out with people like that. We had lunch, we hung out, we went on on bikes, we saw some dolphins, we like caught some like cool like sort of moments together. And that's who you want to hang out with. And so for me, who you hang out with really, really, really, really, really, really matters. And then my last one, you said about making eye contact with people. Kitty, we've got someone up at the local garage in the station. Often I see her at like midnight when I'm running up there for snacks, which is is off my diet right now. But that connection with someone where you didn't even know them before, and you just kind of were like you connected through eye contact or or something else. And in turn, you make them feel more confident, they make you feel more confident. Connection helps confidence out. I'm out. Over to you. I love this topic. I love this topic. I think we play games with dogs. I think we should play more games with people, and I think that we don't think about our own confidence in turn enough. What are your final thoughts, Justin?

SPEAKER_00 17:52

So, first of all, I love the subject too. I love it. It is very fun, but I want to I want to toss the last one out there that I think

Lucky Clothes, Scent And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 17:58

is really fun. And people a lot of the time are like, Are you insane? And I really do mean this, okay? Have a lucky article of clothing. Like I've got a lucky shirt and I've got a lucky pair of underwear, right? Or I'm sorry, this is Brittany, so knickers. All right. So find something that gives you that confidence that is kind of like when I wear both of those, for whatever reason, I feel amazing. Okay. And I think that's really fun and organic, and it's stupid because it's a shirt and a pair of underwear. Like, who cares? But something about them makes me feel confident.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Even something like a scent. So I wear Joe Malone. I love the scent. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel good. Certain songs. I'm listening to a song at the moment called Fever Dream. I love it. It just makes me feel really, really good. It makes me feel really, really good. Making a reel can make me feel really good. Washing my hair with certain shampoo can make me feel really, really good. I don't know. There's lots of things that make you feel good, right? Like there's there's lots of things that make you feel get a haircut.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

Yeah. All of those things. Justin, this has been incredible. I've loved talking confidence with you. Thank you so much for joining us, Sexton Squirrel and and all the the crew. Uh, I hope you come back again real soon, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:06

Absolutely. I want to thank you, thank your team, thank the audience, and thank the community. Bye, guys.